“Rarely are you going to heal relational wounds in isolation,” they say.įor Jamie B., who requested anonymity, non-monogamy and kink have been a big part of the queer ex-Christian journey. Milla Lubis, a therapist at The Expansive Group, backs up the idea that our relationships can be healing ground. What’s been helpful is feeling like they can trust their wife wholeheartedly and tell her anything that’s happening in their brain. Early on, it felt really hard to receive as a sexual partner. Sexual shame was another holdover from Christianity Hannah experienced creeping into their relationship. “I remember our pastor saying to the entire congregation, ‘You are a degenerate.’ That’s stuck with me, the idea that we’re inherently evil and nothing without the grace of God.” It sometimes comes up for them in not feeling good enough for their wife. Hannah P., who left the church five years ago and asked to remain anonymous, regularly experienced that shaming. “We have to restore belief in our inherent goodness to be able to have the kinds of relationships we want to have.” “Shame is a belief that I'm not worthy to be in connection because of this fundamental flaw,” he explains. That’s an inherently shame-based fear, something that Jeremy Lehmann, associate director and practitioner at the Center for Trauma Resolution and Recovery, sees as one of the big things that affects our relationships as queer, ex-Christian adults. They can continue to show up in our lives, especially within our most intimate relationships. Ingrained rules, ideas and norms often don’t disappear overnight. Many people assume that you can just leave Christianity and be done with it, but that’s not how it works for many of us. I didn’t understand it in the moment, but later I realized what was behind my tears: fear that with any space from me, Quinn would realize my inherent badness - the badness Christianity taught me was my core - and leave me. What was wrong with me? Why did such an innocuous request send me to the floor, the night ruined, too anxious and wrecked to enjoy the alone time I also needed? All my partner had asked for was to reschedule our plans so they could have some alone time. I curled into a fetal position and sobbed.

It didnt start with us